Lately its been dragging me into the darkness on a regular basis. And not for any good reason that I can figure out. So I’m going to go talk to the woman in my life who holds the flashlight. Together we’ll light up the dark corners where the monster hides and figure out a way for me to make friends with it. Right now I’m so tired I have a hard time imagining how good it will feel to do the excavation work. It just feels like more work, and I’m deathly tired of that right now.
Right now I feel like all I’m doing is working to keep upright. Meditation under the trees, positive thinking, doing what I love first, chores after, walks, good thoughts. And still I feel the monster’s claws around my heart, squeezing.
So I’ll go talk to Lisa and then afterward maybe I can give the monster a manicure. Clip those claws short and blunt.
I’m beginning to think I may need to add regular visits to talk with Lisa to my work list. And part of me feels like a failure by needing that. Like I’m not strong enough to get through life on my own. Or smart enough. Or good enough.
Enough, already.
I have depression and anxiety problems. They are most likely here to stay. I am smart enough to know that. And strong enough to go get help managing them. And good enough to deserve to feel better.
Because honestly, I feel like crap and if a part of my body hurt as badly as my soul does right now, I wouldn’t think twice about going to the doctor for help.
So, in the interest of shining a light on the stigma of mental illness, I’m going to put this out there in public. This is part of who I am. It is one of a long list of labels that can be used to define me. But it is not the only thing on the list. It only paints a true picture when it is used in context with all the other labels. And that list of labels is not static. It changes constantly. I am changing constantly. Just like everyone else on the planet.
Thanks for listening.
Love,
Chris