And then I realized it wasn't happening. Not really. And it felt like my heart was breaking all over again.
Dad has been gone awhile, now. I miss him. I have things I want to talk to him about. Believe it or not, I want to hear his tired old stories again. But time really has mellowed the loss. So I wasn't prepared for how much I wanted the message to be from Dad. To REALLY be from Dad, not just some sort of surreal kind of event that I could convince myself was somehow a sign from him. I wasn't prepared for how sharp and brutal the loss felt when I knew it wasn't him. How fresh the pain could still feel.
I haven't dreamed of Dad since he died. It's a secret wish of mine. To dream of him, of talking to him, hearing his voice, maybe even getting a hug. I still really miss my Daddy and I keep hoping I'll meet him in a dream and not realize it's a dream until I wake up. I keep hoping for a few more minutes. I've had friends tell me it's happened to them. I want that.
I don't know why today was hard. Maybe because the sky was so beautiful. Maybe because there is a new baby in the family who shares his name. Maybe because the earth is round.
Today I wish things could go back to what they were. I wish my Dad was still alive. I wish I didn't feel like I do so much of the time. I wish the bad stuff hadn't happened.
Today has been hard.