I saw three bumper stickers recently that really spoke to me.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
So often, when I was struggling with myself, my monster, I would wonder if it would just be easier to give in, to fall over the edge, to STOP FIGHTING! Because I was so tired from constantly being on guard, being vigilant, managing my depression.
Maybe instead, what I need to do sometimes is spend time with it. Maybe I need to go through it instead of trying every goddamned trick in the book to avoid it. Maybe we need to sit on the couch, my monster and I, and snuggle.
Because my monster is me, after all. And a huge part of this journey I’m on is the quest to find out who I am. And to love each and every part.
Which brings me to the second bumper sticker.
You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
If I avoid the chaos, will I lose the ability to give birth to dancing stars? The chaos that roiled and churned inside me for a while has stirred up all sorts of good things. I’m writing stories right and left. Beautiful stories that dance and sparkle.
I looked up the word chaos and this is one of the definitions:
“The infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.”
Did I need the chaos to happen so that I could put my life in order? Good question.
With all the remodeling I’ve done over the years, I’ve learned I have to make the house uglier for it to end up prettier. I have to throw out the broken parts, sand down the rough edges, tear out the rot. That way, when I’m done re-painting and re-finishing and re-plumbing, the house will be strong again. Ready to stand for years to come. And it will look good doing it.
And then there was this one:
And when her halo broke, she carved the two halves into horns.
It took me awhile to figure out why this one spoke to me so loudly. I grew up religious and the idea of losing a halo and gaining horns has all sorts of scary connotations. But now that I’m older, religion also frightens me so maybe that is one reason why I like this one.
And another reason might be because horns are so much more efficient for battling monsters. Being pokey and all. Because even though I might snuggle with my monster sometimes, I sure as hell am not letting it take over. So there will still be some battling to do.
And if I’m really honest, I like this saying because I want to be bad. Years ago I set for myself the goal of always being good. But somewhere along the line being good turned into always being liked and that meant not ever saying or doing something that would make someone mad or hurt their feelings. Even if it meant I was being untrue to myself, even if not saying or doing it made ME feel bad.
My New Year resolution is to be bad a little more often. By that I mean I’d like to be brave enough to say what I really feel even if others might be hurt or feel bad because of it. I’d like to do what I need to be whole even if others might feel neglected because of it. I’d like to take care of myself even if I feel like I am being bad doing it.
This is not going to be easy for me. But it is honest. And that is what I want from my friends and family. Why should they deserve anything less from me?
Besides, there are worse things than being known as a Bad Ass.
Love,
Chris
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
So often, when I was struggling with myself, my monster, I would wonder if it would just be easier to give in, to fall over the edge, to STOP FIGHTING! Because I was so tired from constantly being on guard, being vigilant, managing my depression.
Maybe instead, what I need to do sometimes is spend time with it. Maybe I need to go through it instead of trying every goddamned trick in the book to avoid it. Maybe we need to sit on the couch, my monster and I, and snuggle.
Because my monster is me, after all. And a huge part of this journey I’m on is the quest to find out who I am. And to love each and every part.
Which brings me to the second bumper sticker.
You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
If I avoid the chaos, will I lose the ability to give birth to dancing stars? The chaos that roiled and churned inside me for a while has stirred up all sorts of good things. I’m writing stories right and left. Beautiful stories that dance and sparkle.
I looked up the word chaos and this is one of the definitions:
“The infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.”
Did I need the chaos to happen so that I could put my life in order? Good question.
With all the remodeling I’ve done over the years, I’ve learned I have to make the house uglier for it to end up prettier. I have to throw out the broken parts, sand down the rough edges, tear out the rot. That way, when I’m done re-painting and re-finishing and re-plumbing, the house will be strong again. Ready to stand for years to come. And it will look good doing it.
And then there was this one:
And when her halo broke, she carved the two halves into horns.
It took me awhile to figure out why this one spoke to me so loudly. I grew up religious and the idea of losing a halo and gaining horns has all sorts of scary connotations. But now that I’m older, religion also frightens me so maybe that is one reason why I like this one.
And another reason might be because horns are so much more efficient for battling monsters. Being pokey and all. Because even though I might snuggle with my monster sometimes, I sure as hell am not letting it take over. So there will still be some battling to do.
And if I’m really honest, I like this saying because I want to be bad. Years ago I set for myself the goal of always being good. But somewhere along the line being good turned into always being liked and that meant not ever saying or doing something that would make someone mad or hurt their feelings. Even if it meant I was being untrue to myself, even if not saying or doing it made ME feel bad.
My New Year resolution is to be bad a little more often. By that I mean I’d like to be brave enough to say what I really feel even if others might be hurt or feel bad because of it. I’d like to do what I need to be whole even if others might feel neglected because of it. I’d like to take care of myself even if I feel like I am being bad doing it.
This is not going to be easy for me. But it is honest. And that is what I want from my friends and family. Why should they deserve anything less from me?
Besides, there are worse things than being known as a Bad Ass.
Love,
Chris